Blessings and Blocks

Holy cow have I ever been neglecting my blogs.

You know what is going on? I can't catch up. I no Martha Stewart. No Martha Stewart.

Order eludes me. People often comment that I have such a nice energy. They feel comfortable and happy around me. It is easy to feel close and share intimacies with me, yet it seems to me that whatever dimention of energy that affects the physical plane of stuff must be great scribbily masses around me. If I were to go into your home just after you have tidied up and put everything in it's place in neat piles all 90 degree angles to each other and were to step out of the room to put on tea, you would come back to find me in the midst of clutter and tangles. I know it seems like a simple thing. Put things in thier place and tidy as you go but I swear! I just can't seem to do it. My awareness is somewhere eles. I am mindful of the most subtle emotional shift in the room but oblivious to the trail of disorder I create. I sit here, the keyboard is in the middle of piles of reciepts, tangles of headphone and ipod cords, empty mugs and cups, decks of cards, cd cases, CDs, business cards and books. If I turn my head to the left there is the ever present pile of clean but unfolded laundry on the chair where no one ever sits. The toys are all contained against the east wall thanks to Mark, my work table is a place of confusion. I can sit there and be so overwhelmed by insiration and befuddlement that I just have to get up and do something eles. I don't know where things go. A spot for inanimate objects does not naturally make itself known to me. I have a beautiful set of shelves that covers a whole wall of my home and at least 4 are just stuffed full of I don't even know what and most others are full of things that have no day to day function. I have been working really hard to keep the kitchen clear for the morning. Although I dread it, I can keep the kitchen somewhat tidy because there at least there is a natural order of where to put things. If the kitchen is dirty or chaotic in the morning my whole day is tainted with stress and unhappiness. Let's not even think about the bedroom. So throughout my life, on and off and to varying degrees I have suffered some anxiety and depression and I know that it is directly linked to this phenomenon of mental overwhelm I experience as a result of my own existence. I think really that it comes down to a lack of discipline and perserverance, but also it connects to my feelings of life being short and time being precious, which I know is ridiculous because the clutter and confusion stop me from doing the things that I really want to do, the things that I feel will make my life rich, happy all that. The clutter makes me so grumpy and unhappy yet it is so hard to jsut clear it up. It is crazy and I am tired of it. Mark has suggested I take one of those "Clear your Clutter" workshops. He is probably right. Not that I am ever planning on being medicated for this issue, but isn't there a pill that you can take that will lift you out of the mental fog and lend you the energy and ability to get the job done? Why do all the medications have to be 24/7? Why not just a little 4 hour dose that will allow you a window of clarity without altering you permanatley with awful risk and side effects? I can take tylonal for pain but what can I take for laziness and overwhelm? Well, that is my rant about myself for today. If you have any tips please send them my way. Except for the obvious solution of hiring a house keeper because I have thought of that again and again but it isn't feasable and it doesn't create the internal shift I seek.

PS- check out the Strombo show on CBC radio 2. It is great!!

Never Turn Your Back On a Toddler

In just one harmless moment, lunch can become the yogurt helmet!!

Random

Monday :)

My daughter is so cute!! This whole blog has pretty much become the Sadie show, as has my life. I don't mind about the blog and I love it about my life. It is such a pleasure just to look at her. When she comes up and hugs me life is perfect. She understands everything I say to her now. She puts her hand to her open mouth and makes a question sound when she is hungry and then she walks to the fridge or the cupboard where the cheerios are. I tell her to go sit in her seat and she goes right to her booster seat and sits down attempting to do up the belt. She is a finicky eater though and it will be good when she can tell me what she wants. Today she brought me her bathing suit so I put it back in her dresser and she brought it out again, so I put it on her. She wore it over her little onsie outfit today. It was cute. As you can see.

Sadie Plays The Piano!!

Well I put that baby in her bed almost 1/2 an hour ago and I can still hear her chatting away. Why won't she just sleep?? Well here is an older video from when we went to Bath Ontario for Grandpa Spooner's 70th birthday. Enjoy!!

This last week hasn't been the best week of my life. I have been struggling with the amount of energy I have versus the amount of energy I need. Having no physical or mental or emotional energy is hard. The result of this lack has been little speaking, no tolerence for idiocy coming from those I do not know or love, little patience with those I do. But anyways, today I am starting to feel better. When I see people driving into the intersection almost hitting pedestrians on the walk signal I can keep breathing, the risk of a stroke has passed I think. As much as I would prefer to avoid it, I am doing housework that begs my attention but I just heard this story on CBC the road and I remember the hopelessness of the situation. Tom Power? just related a Bob Dylan tale. I am going to relate it to you now. So Bob Dylan rolls into New Jersey, I don't know if he is doing a show or what, or if he comes from there or what, but he is walking around checking things out. His old neigborhood or whatever, so some lady sees someone she doesn't recognize and calls the cops. Next thing you know the police pull up and start asking Bob for his ID. Well the old guy doesn't have his ID and the 24 year old cop has never heard of Bob Dylan and into the back of the car he goes to be brought to the hotel he claims to be staying at to see if anyone can vouch for him. Can you believe that?!? The story was related I think because the DJ couldn't believe that someone hadn't heard of Bob Dylan. I am thinking that Bob Dylan, this guy who sings about the things Bob sings about can't even walk around outside without getting thrown into a cop car. I am sorry but WTF?? oh boy. Then the news starts and some voice tells me that according to a new study that a recession is not bad only for the economy but it is bad for your health as well. Holy crap I just can't believe this world. I could go on. The ads for medication?? Like hello?!? How much clearer do they need to be? They want us to die. One way AND another, they are going to kill us. By the grace of God...

I know I am forgetting the very thing, the very purpose of this stint on Earth. I know it! So for those of you comfortably aquainted with God please say a prayer for me, that I will remember that really, it is all ok. Let my heart grow bigger than my brain so I can get through this lifetime in this time and place...

City Gardens

Vancouver has alot of community gardens around. They are all very lovely. On Friday we were walking through the one on W 6th in the area of Burrard. People are growing apples!! I didn't get a picture of the apple trees I saw, but I have to tell you I was very impressed by the apples. I did get some shots of some lovely tomaters. Yum. Also squash and wild blackberries right by the old train tracks. It was a nice mellow overcast day, just perfect I thought.